You Know What, Gillette?

Imagine this for a moral lesson: A lucky group of teenage boys are given a new form of artificial intelligence, designed to help them suck less. How do you tie a tie? How do you shave? How do you speak to girls? The young men need merely open an app on their iPhones and intone their questions; moments later, a precocious robot responds in its mechanic cadence with a personalized answer.

Better yet, this AI is freakishly empathetic, and its raison d’etre is to coddle today’s youth through life’s deepest quagmires. How do you ask someone out? How do you show confidence? What makes somebody a real friend? How do you know when you love someone?

Don’t worry about these pesky, 20th century worries – There’s an app for that! Continue reading You Know What, Gillette?

If Paul Ryan Wrote Poetry

We’ve been dreaming of this since I’ve been around,
since you and I were drinking at a keg.

Those were the days when America was good,
alas black abysses we could not foresee

but boys will be boys ‘fore men become men,
boy oh boy, we are leaders of men!

Now sit back and watch these dependable hands
sculp white kingdoms made from the sand

to┬áglimmer beneath God’s mighty white teeth
His coliseum round where victors are crowned;

the losers shall lose and eat their own folly, lest
poor huddled masses enslave us choice few-

oh Mr. Spencer, he knew what is true;
oh dear Ayn, accepts what she sees:
the strongest of strong is how it must be.